UGH BUT REALLY
I'm continuing my 100 musings experiment, inspired by lucy bellwood, and hitting number 4 right in time for inktober!
if you haven't, you should check out lucy bellwood's 100 demon dialogues, which this is based on.
First, a few pieces of news, I added a new print to the shop here:
it's this one:
Second, I should have a quick youtube vid up soon which I know, it's been FOREVER.
And finally, I feel like I'm actually doing art again you guys. I had basically stopped at the end of my third trimester and through most of postpartem, because the mom cave is all consuming. But the diaper and milk world is getting very slowly easier to manage (I type as I hear my baby screaming in the living room next to my husband because he's gotten hungry again...) and I'm doing some good projects, so new paintings will be going up on the site soon.
sketches vs final art. This print is up on the shop btw.
Scott Lynch is a genius, this book is amazing so far (I'm about halfway through, you know... when the pirates show up.) I definitely want to do some fanart about this book. In the meantime, here's a little warmup today before doing my commissions.
I'm turning 30 tomorrow. Everyone seems to have an opinion about turning 30, it seems to drip with stigma from my parents and grandparents generations. I think for baby boomers 30 is the "i'm not young anymore" age. The age when you should really have your shit together because you have a house now, and a spouse and children, and if you DON'T have those things... then you should REALLY be freaking out. 30 is the "I'm 5 years away from middle age" age. At least it was. For a woman it's the "I belong to a different age group now" age and is the death of the young naive 20 something who goes to music festivals on a whim and wears long flowy translucent jackets while taking pictures with a film camera.
But now I think 30 is a little different. It's still a milestone, but less of a "I'm approaching middle age" milestone and more of a "I'm not a kid anymore" milestone. I know 30 year olds who have 4 kids and are twice married. I know 30 year olds who still live at their parents and are in college. I think 30 is starting to mean very different things to different people, and to me, it's been something I thought I'd handle very well, and then found that I do actually care, and I've been thinking about what 30 means in my own life. Do I feel old? Am I sad to see my childhood dissappear completely? Do I feel closer to dying?
Everyone who I've spoken to in my life who's older than me has said that their 30s were great. That turning 30 was a really fun time in their life, that it's a sweet spot of capability and youth, of the right combination of know how and can do. It's the age where you know how to get yourself to italy, and you can play soccer with the locals without popping your kneecap out.
When I was 20, I was planning a wedding over the summer and marrying joe, befor moving in with him in florida. At 21 I was depressed, and a fulltime student. I was miserable. At 22 I was just figuring out that the medication I was on was making me depressed and things slowly started to get better. Life was still mostly hard for me. At 23 I went to Italy, and it was amazing. I stopped my medication and came out of my chemically induced depression while also being abroad. At 24 I moved to Hawaii and developed a mysterious knee injury that left me once again depressed and bed ridden for a long time. I also got to live in Hawaii, which was cool. At 25 I adopted my son, and life got suddenly much much better, while I also was finally diagnosed with a panic disorder, and started therapy, which was one of the best decisions I ever made. At 26 I had graduated from the Academy, and started a new job and met people who I'm still close friends with today. At 27 I said goodbye to my best friends, and stopped therapy. At 28 I left my family to move to Oregon and find a home, and started freelancing. My family soon followed. At 29 I settled into my life, had a baby boy, and started actually working as a freelance illustrator fulltime.
Now I'm turning 30, and my 20s have felt so eventful, and scary and chaotic and stressful and sometimes truly awful and sometimes great, and truthfully if I could turn back time I wouldn't want to. I am far more mentally healthy than I've ever been in my life, I just went through childbirth, which has left me a different person than I was 3 months ago, I'm stronger and more self assured than I ever was, and I just generally feel like I know myself better, and like myself more than when I was 20. I live in a wine town up in the hills with lush gardens and wild fruit everywhere, with streams and rivers running through it and vineyards for miles. I live in a beautiful place and I have a family that loves me and supports me. Both my mom and my inlaws live nearbye and I see them often. My oldest childhood friend is 40 minutes away. I really love my life right now, and 30 does scare me a little (it's such a big even number, it looks so new and different) I can honestly say this is exactly where I want to be right now.
In actual art news: I'm currently working on a real thing with a real writer and real publishers and since that's happening I'm not sharing it because that's how real things go sometimes. I'm trying to get back into the daily sketch habit so I'm online more, but baby+real project thing = no time, or at least challenges in time management. The real thing is cool though, and I'm excited about sharing it in the future.
Oh and I applied for San Diego Comic Con 2018. Wish me luck.
Recently I rewatched 13 assassins, maybe because of my son's name, maybe because I just had that itch. (everyone should rewatch 13 assassins like once a year) and I decided to do some figure studies of the film.
it took me like 2 weeks to do this sketch and I'm not even finished with it. The subject matter is a little on the nose, and the time I spent on it mixed with the subject are a direct reflection of my experience lately. Her confident smirk while breastfeeding... not so much. Life right now is fucking hard, and art is slow.
I did it. I had my baby two days ago. Post partem so far is... eventful. And there is definitely some kind of mental shift happening that feels permanent. I think most women who have gone through labor will know what I'm talking about, but it's also difficult to write about without feeling like I'm opening the window into my life just a little too wide. Things are good. Baby is good, and I'm good.
I painted something today, which is the first thing I've drawn in a while. Third trimester brings a head fog that made is very difficult to do anything, and I can feel it starting to clear. This was an attempt to just break out of baby baby baby all the time, just for a few minutes.
I'm starting to slow down, like way down. I'm in the last month of my pregnancy and I was already prepared to accept that I probably wouldn't be pumping out weekly illustrations anymore, but the change is even more dramatic than I had prepared for. It's hard to get work done right now, REALLY hard. I'm doing my best, but it's slow going, and I think May and June are going to be very slow for work. I'm freelance and I'm not really taking maternity leave, since I work from home, but it seems to be happening naturally.
doing some sketches for a new project for a friend of mine.
A little dragon knight for my wednesday warmup. I saw that myths and legends was covering gawain and thought "I should draw a knight" and this is what happened.
The border collie is unsettled by the depths of the ocean.
warmup sketch for today. The blossoms are all blooming around here.